360. The Account

The Social Security Administration announced this week that parents will be able to sign their newborn children up for Trump accounts before leaving the hospital. The child does not need to be present for this part. The child is present, but is not consulted.

A Trump account is a savings account for children, funded at birth by the federal government. The account is named after the forty-seventh president. The account does not ask whether the child would like it to be named after the forty-seventh president. The account is named after the forty-seventh president regardless.

The child, when born today on the Fourth of July, will be eighteen years old in the year 2044. The account will still say "Trump" in 2044. This is not an expiration. It is a feature.

When the child turns eighteen, they may use the money for education, a home, or other qualified expenses. The brochure for these expenses will say "Trump account" on the cover. The child will hand the brochure to a loan officer. The loan officer will nod.

On America's two hundred and fiftieth birthday, the government gave every newborn a savings account with the sitting president's name on it. This is a birthday present to the children. The children are not yet aware of this.

The hospital bracelet comes off. The account stays.